Dear Curious Querier,
Thank you for submitting this extremely relatable and thought-provoking question. As for the wording of it, I can think of three different answers to give. And it’s worth mentioning that I do not condone or tolerate cheating on any level. Personally, if I were to date someone and they cheated on me, whether they told me or I found out myself, I would leave them immediately. If they do it once, they will do it again, it’s human nature (especially if they have no consequences the first time). You deserve someone who is so in love with you that they would never even think about dating/being with someone else while they’re with you. And during my preliminary research, I learned that some of the motivating factors for people that cheat include “seeking revenge for a partner’s betrayal”, feeling neglected, a lack of self-esteem, and “falling out of love” but of course there are numerous other reasons that are specific to the relationship and individuals involved:
If you’re wondering why someone would cheat on their significant other, I can only try to imagine that they truly liked the person they were dating and did not truly want to hurt the person but that in some moment of letting emotions or feelings control them (perhaps they felt more chemistry with another or it was a “spur of the moment” decision), they allowed their morals to drift away and did not think about the consequences of their actions until it was too late. I do not believe this person intended to hurt the person they wanted to date, but the pain is there all the same and therefore is still wrong, especially for the emotionally wounded individual on the receiving end of the decision. The key with this circumstance is communication about what happened and possible reconciliation if both parties desire it.
If you’re wondering why someone would act as if they were interested in you and give you the false idea that there was potential for a relationship (perhaps during a “talking stage” or “situationship”) and then they “cheated” on you by dating someone else (I put the word in quotations because a lot of people would not define it as cheating unless both individuals were dating), I have a lot of advice for you. A friend of mine was talking about this specific situation and has allowed me to share their experience because I know it is extremely relatable to most people our age. In their case, there was someone they had been talking to for about a month, exchanging texts every day as well as gifts and hanging out when they both had the time, but within a few days of their person “ghosting” them (another Gen Z relationship term that is equally unacceptable but quite common) they had suddenly returned to a relationship with a previous partner and began avoiding my friend as if nothing had happened. The problem with this was that since they had not actually been “dating”, my friend felt like they didn’t technically have the right to be extremely disappointed and upset, but they definitely were. I don’t think this person intended to hurt them, (genuinely I’m not sure they ever thought they were more than friends and we won’t ever really know the truth) but my friend still felt betrayed and wronged. They still felt as if they had been “cheated” on and they told me about how much it sucked. I believe that this person and others like them in similar situations, did not want to cause pain but whether intentional or not, used the undefined label of not “dating” as an excuse to not own up to their mistakes. I would say in this case, that no matter what the relationship is defined as or not defined as, if it feels real to you and the painful emotions that come with this disloyalty still hurt the same, I believe you have the right to call it “cheating” and go through the motions of feeling hurt, no matter what the real intention was. Pain is still pain and I told my friend to see it as such and not feel as if their feelings were invalid.
The third and unfortunate reality, for most people in relationships where their partner cheats, is that typically the reason behind this infidelity is due to the person who committed it having a deep, internal insecurity that shows itself through this action and that is rooted in something more psychological and emotional rather than physical. Perhaps they were not satisfied with the relationship but unless both parties felt that the relationship was not working (in which case breaking up seems like the easiest solution), the cause was not the other person. In this case, the saying “It’s not you, it’s me” truly does apply because it usually does have something to do with the person who cheated, and their need to sort through some past problems in previous relationships and the emotions that they still carry with them before they start to affect new people in their life.
Thank you again for asking such a vital and genuine question, I hope I have helped you and given you a sufficient answer. Although I’m not an expert, I would encourage you to recognize your feelings and remember that thousands of people have experienced a similar situation and still are able to find someone who truly values them for who they are and so will you! Don’t give up hope!
Sincerely,
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